A popular thing to say right now is “kids are soft.” No they’re not. Kids didn’t suddenly start arriving on earth differently.
You still have to do the same things to make a child. They still take 9 months to cook. Kids didn’t change, parents have.
Here’s how.
Toughness is understanding that what I’m doing is more important than how I feel. It is solely reliant on your brain's
assessment of “is this worth it?” The remote is across the living room. How much do I want to watch tv? I don't want to
go to work today. How much do I want my kids to have a place to live?
Humans do not make themselves uncomfortable without reason. They have to believe it’s worth it. Before you tell your
kid to be tough ask yourself if you have given them a reason to be. Kids lack toughness not because they’ve
fundamentally changed. They’re soft because we as parents, coaches, teachers and leaders are distracted. It takes time
and energy to show our kids why something is worth the trouble. It takes patience to watch them struggle with a challenge.
It takes our undivided attention to not give them an easy way out. Why did we change? Because it’s easier. There’s
less push back from your kid when you let him or her do whatever they want. Less pushback makes for an easier day
for you. Your kid isnt as tough as you think they should be because you aren’t.
Mental weakness is a lack of understood value in being uncomfortable. If we fail to connect the dots of their discomfort
to the destinations of their desire, we cannot expect to find resilience and grit on display. We are going about toughness
from the wrong end. We want desired behavior without probable cause for it. We want our kids willing to suffer and resilient
to bounce back from a setback. But we don't do anything to show them what's worth fighting for. Toughness depends
on value. HIgh Value, high sacrifice. Low Value, low sacrifice
Start here. Find your kid’s heart. What endeavor of substance (not fortnite) does he or she lights up to? What do they
want to do without you telling them? What do they initiate on their own? There is value there for them. Now connect
struggles they want to avoid the thing they value. Show them the struggle is the GPS system to what they want. Your kids
wants ice cream. Your kid is shy. Make your kid order the ice cream. If they want ice cream more than they dont want to
talk to strangers, they’ll do it.
That little task is something psychologists call guided pain mastery experience. Small challenges demanding us to
encounter things we don’t believe we are capable of. These brief consistent encounters slide experiences from the
uncomfortable to the competent. This is how skill sets are built. Struggles, edured via the use of toughness. This is not
possible without VALUE understood.
Communicate how this discomfort gets them what they want. If your kid runs his sprints hard at soccer because you’re
screaming at him, it’s not because he wants to be a great soccer player, he’s just avoiding conflict with you. As soon
as you are removed from the equation your kid will be loafing.
Toughness Takeaway: Start with Value, connect value to avoided struggle. Don't Bail them out. No matter what, no
bail out. They want it, they do what’s necessary to get it. NO WORK NO PAY. Their brain WILL Adapt. The beauty in
struggle is realizing we need it. When you and your child recieve the gift of struggle.. You both are tough.
That… Is Struggling Well