Do you play forgiveness charades? Us adults may lack childlike imagination but we play plenty of make believe. None more than when we say sorry, and let someone be sorry. To ask forgiveness is to believe you’re wrong, or a least acknowledge you’ve done harm. To forgive is to accept this person’s request to forget what they’ve done to you. And finally to believe you are forgiven is to move on without residual guilt. We suck at all of this. We dont really forgive. We keep score. We dont really feel sorry, we just dont want to have conflict. And if we are remorseful we probably won’t ever stop feeling guilty. It’s all a game, pixie dust. Like signing your name in cursive makes something official.
As a husband are you saying sorry because you are, or because you want to come back to bed? Do you forgive because you’ve erased what’s been done to you, or is it a pocketed strike against them forever. “Sure I forgive you, but the next time, it’s over.” That’s not forgiveness. That’s just good book keeping and human resource policy. So here’s my proposal to make forgiveness real. Go on a sorry strike. Don’t say sorry, don’t forgive until you’ve done some internal investigation. If you can’t get over what’s been done to you, you’ve got some solo recon work to do. Why cant you move on? What are you connecting this to in your past? What’s really going on here between you and this person. It’s got more to do with you than you’d care to admit.
If you still think you’re right and you’re saying sorry, your wrong. Lock the door and question your heart. Nothing will make sense until you find some personal truth. A rare grown up conversation conversation could go like this. “I really don’t like that I hurt you, but I still believe in what I said, so I cannot apologize for telling you what I believe is the truth.” One of two things will happen. 1. You both will come to an understanding, a deeper relationship and a higher level of self education. 2. YOU won’t be friends anymore. Number 2. Seems like a big one, but the 3rd option, pretending like you both forgive each other is the is the sadder version of number 2.
Disclaimer: This is a hard, painful and nerve fraying experience. Anxiety will beg you not to be authentic. You’ll make a strong case in your head why this isn’t worth it. If you do summit the emotional mountain top, count on 2 things. Your friendships will become more like brotherhood, Your word will mean something, and that’s a big deal
Struggle Well Friends